"...I scratch my accidents into the wall".
They say "the best laid plans"........
October 30th, 2010. Our parents were on standby waiting for "the phone call". We had been over things with our doula several times, and she made us feel confident that when the time came, all would go perfectly. The birthing pool was ready and waiting. If things took an unsuspected turn, and for some unforeseen reason we would need to have this baby outside the loving confines of our home, we were armed with our strict birth plan of no drugs, no formula, and absolutely no placental detachment....until it falls off on it's own, of course, and we eat it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Haha, just kidding.
We showed up at at the O.R. at 8 a.m. sharp, and my first thoughts were this:
1. can't wait to get this kid out of me
2. bring on the morphine
3. in one short hour, booze and cigarettes, while still possibly inappropriate for the time being, are in no way any longer out of the question.
4. FIVE DAY VACAY FROM LAUNDRY AND DISHES!!
Yes, some women are totally not in favor of the whole hospital birth-experience, but barring the amount of people who are going to see me naked, I can't think of one good solid reason why I am not supposed to like this.
Case in point:
1.Someone is bringing me three meals a day, and it could very well be because I am comparing this food to my own cooking, but this food is nothing to turn your nose up at. They cook it, they serve it to you in bed, and then they clean it up. It's win, win, win - they could be feeding me dog shit.
2. Good drugs, and they are free and legal.
3. You get to hang out with your baby and smell it all day, and then they take it away and let you sleep. All. Night. Long. These 4 nights of sleep come in handy since you will not have another full night of sleep for approximately 1,825 more nights. (unless it's leap year, in which case 1,826 nights)
4.Someone comes in and cleans up for you.
5.Did I mention the drugs? That you don't even have to get up from bed to get for yourself?
6.Your t.v. options are suddenly broader than that of a girl of unspecified Hispanic origin and her talking monkey.
7. Free stuff - see below.
SO - on my last day of my stay at the Holiday Inn, I mean Hospital Inn, I mean HOSPITAL, the nurse said "Don't forget to empty the baby's bassinet of all the things inside". JACKPOT! formula, diapers, socks, blankets! (not that we will be needing them, because of our milk-making boobies, cloth diapers, and socks and blankets made from organic cotton that we grew in our back yard) but they will come in real handy in a pinch!!
The following items are also free, extremely useful, and quite versatile:
* gigantic, ultra absorbent maxi pads:
Now, if your baby did not come out of your vagina, you may be thinking "hmmm why would I need these?" But the first time you stand up from your bed to walk to the bathroom, you will instantly transform your spotless hospital room into a sight resembling a grizzly murder scene reminiscent or Saw 6, or at the very least, Saw 4.
So, besides the obvious use, some things I have used this mega pads for:
-baby's diaper when (i mean if) you run out
-nursing pads if you are Christmas shopping without your baby and are stuck in a one hour long ToysRUs line because your three year old needs a $40 doll that takes a crap so then you won't have to squeeze your boobs into a taco bell mountain dew cup because you picked a stall with no toilet paper and you already took your bra off
-stick them on your swiffer wet jet
* the little bottle you're supposed to squirt your vagina with when you pee
-i use mine to rinse my baby's hair after shampooing. (Don't worry, I opted not to squirt my vagina when peeing, being that no one came out of it)
*little rubber booger sucker
-great for blowing cupcake crumbs out from between computer keyboard keys
- not recommended in a pinch as a turkey baster
* those lovely mesh undies that are designed to fit either Calista Flockhart or Kirsty Alley
-when stretched out, make a perfect place to keep stuffed animals when thumb-tacked up on the ceiling
And that concludes this chapter of What To Expect When You're Unexpectedly Expecting
listen to: jawbreaker~accident prone
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