you're butt is wide, well mine is too. just watch your mouth, or i'll sit on you

"Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)"

This will be fun. Let's try this. Get a balloon. Start filling it up. Every day add a little more. Put in olives and fried calamari and a baby and some marshmallows and a placenta. Continue adding things for nearly 40 weeks. If people tell you to only add things for 9 months, punch them in the face, because the last time I checked, 9 times 4 equals 36. Somewhere along the way things got a little F'ed up. Either 9 times 4 used to equal 40, or it always equaled 36, and at some point, god changed a pregnancy to 40 weeks just for shits and giggles.

But I digress.

So, continue adding things until it is clearly time for all of these things to come out of the gigantic balloon. Don't worry - you'll know when it's time. So what you do next is simple. Take a very sharp knife, and make a VERY SMALL incision in the balloon. This part is very important! Something about 20 inches long and maybe 10 inches wide needs to come out of this opening, so the opening should be exactly 4 INCHES LONG. Next, take out about 8 pounds of the 40ish pounds that are in there. The rest you just leave in there don't worry about it. Then, you get some crazy glue. Carefully seal the balloon. Get some duct tape and McGuyver that shit.Use equal parts scotch, masking and electrical tape. Apply layer upon layer of glue, paste, and plaster of paris. Oh wait - just kidding - just throw a few stitches in there and call it a day. Don't worry that the balloon has to walk around for the next few weeks with the pressure of all the marshmallows and calamari just dying to rip out those little stitches. They are jealous that the baby and the placenta got to come out. They want out too. They do not want to be stuck in there with the crazy-lady homicidal hormones and the percoset (ok maybe yes the percoset). They want out where the boppies and the boobies and the bumbos are. And they are going to remind you of that every time you get up from a chair. Suddenly that balloon will wish it would have laid off the taco bell for the last 10 months.

If it is any consolation whatsoever, you'll probably never even see the scar, it's like your feet now - only in mirrors....only in mirrors.