Road trips are one of the best parts of summer. However anyone who has ever gone farther than around the block with the princess and the punk knows that you may need to stretch the truth a bit (or a lot) to get through a trip alive.
We made our way out of New Jersey to Pennsylvania to brave the 104 degree scorching temperatures to hit the amusement park and the water park. And, of course, as Murphy and his law would have it, we did the rides on the hot and humid be-careful-you-might-die-if-you-go-outside-today-duh-it's 104 degrees day, and the water park on the 60 glorious degree breezy partly cloudy day. So... the water park was going well.
The kids were having a blast and so were we. At some point, we decided to divide and conquer. The princess went off with her dad to brave some roaring rapids type ride not fit for preggos nor 2 year-olds, and I hung out with the punk at the kiddie water park.
All was going well barring a few minor annoyances, such as some random kid drinking out of our $249 souvenir bottle of iced tea (no biggie - because for the WHOLE rest of the day, you can refill it for a mere $67 each time...or you can go the super economic route of buying a wristband for $29, and then each refill will only cost you $43!!!!....but I digress...)
Also, some people think that the process of maintaining a few certain areas of hair growth such as armpits, legs, or other areas that may or may not be revealed while wearing a bathing suit is, apparently over rated. Things suddenly went to shit when some kid thought it would be a fabulous idea to take a big dump on top of the water slide. They shut it down around the same time that my other two returned to report that they waited on the 267 degree hour and a half line only to get to the front and be told, "Sorry, she's 1/8 of an inch too short to ride this ride. Thank you for spending $267 to splash around in poop-germ-puddles..have a super day".
So, we decided to call it a day, and head out for some lunch in a nice air-conditioned restaurant.
Now I'm sure you haven't lived until you have, in your second trimester of pregnancy, changed out of your bathing suit in a moving car. Mind you, this is no small feat considering the nature of the swimwear. The bathing suit - because I am vehemently opposed to maternity anything, fits similarly to a diving suit. When it becomes wet, piping in crisco would seem to be the only logical option for facilitating it's removal. But alas, my crisco was in my other purse. So first, down came the top of the swim suit, leaving the girls resting comfortable in my lap. Next task, to wrangle them back into a place more appropriate for the Olive Garden...all while still wearing the sundress over everything, so as not to cause some innocent passersby to go veering off the road in a state of horror and shock, or to report a whale abduction from the nearby aquarium. Once the shirt was on - the rest was simple - peel it all down to the ankles while covered with the towel, and hoist the shorts up over the bump...only one snag in the plan - forgot to pack undies.
All this amidst worried queries from the back seat:
Why is mommy breathing like that?
Is mommy crying?
Why is mommy's boobie in the cup holder?
Upon completion of this task, we pulled in to a lot with a string of chain restaurants, and the falsities began:
"Is that a Chuck E. Cheese?"
"No"
"But it has a big mouse on the sign-what is it then?"
"It is a store where they sell mice that people feed to pet snakes"
"Ewww gross"
"Can I bring this Strawberry Shortcake doll, barbie doll, and bag of 100 marbles in the restaurant?"
"No"
"Why not? You let us bring a coloring book once."
"Because in the state of Pennsylvania, it is a law. No toys are allowed in restaurants. If you are found with a toy in a restaurant, it is confiscated."
"What does congrestated mean?"
"It means they break them and throw them in the garbage."
"Can we go to that playground after we eat?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because parks are closed on the Fourth of July because that's where they test the fireworks out during the day."
"But I don't hear anything"
"They are silent and invisible"
"Can I get chocolate milk?"
"Yes!"
"This is the best vacation EVER"
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